In many situations, we keep knocking on the same door with the same hand, using the same force, and then wonder why it never opens. We confront, we argue, we defend, we withdraw, we repeat. The method becomes our habit, and the habit becomes our prison.
For instance:
You are with someone who has hurt you over and over again, cheating, lying, disappointing you. Your response has always been the same: confrontation, anger, long messages, silence, emotional battles. You speak, but you do not feel heard. You fight, but nothing changes. The cycle continues.
Now imagine a different approach, not because the pain is small, not because the betrayal is acceptable, but because you are choosing growth over routine.
You pause and listen, not to reply, not to attack, but to understand.
Somewhere in past conversations, in passing complaints, in careless arguments, your partner mentioned certain things. Maybe they felt pressured or unseen. Maybe they complained about always being the only one providing, always being accused, always being shut out emotionally. This does not justify their actions, but it gives you information.
So instead of your usual reaction, you try something new.
You work on the things that were mentioned.
You soften where you were once defensive.
You become calmer where you were once explosive.
You give space where you once chased.
You grow, not for them, but for yourself.
It will feel uncomfortable, but you will have to release the need to “win.” You will have to let go of the version of you that survives on reacting. You will have to forgive, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.
This is not weakness; it is emotional intelligence.
And then you watch, not anxiously, not desperately, just consciously.
If the person changes, then you have both unlocked a new level of understanding. If the person does not change, then you have your answer, and this time you walk away without the weight of “I could have done more.”
This principle is not only for romantic relationships; it can also be used in friendships, in family, at work, and within yourself.
If you keep using the same method and getting the same result, then the problem is no longer the situation; it is the approach.
Try kindness where you used distance.
Try silence where you used noise.
Try expression where you used suppression.
Try boundaries where you used endurance.
Try vulnerability where you used pride.
Most importantly, free your emotions.
Allow yourself to love without fear.
To speak without aggression.
To feel without shame.
To release without bitterness.
Growth often looks like doing the opposite of what your pain trained you to do.
Trying another method does not guarantee that people will change, but it guarantees that you will. And sometimes, that is the real victory.
